Today is the day after Christmas and the spirit still hangs in the air (especially if you’re like me and your Christmas is a five-day multi-state slog between family homesteads.) It is also the birthday of Mao Zedong (born 1893). With that in mind, who really rules the season?* I say we sort this out once and for all, so with apologies to both Dr. Jack Ramsay and Bill Simmons,** let’s break this down, Dr. Jack style:
RED OR EXPERT?
Santa Claus definitely brings the red. It’s a key part of his fashion palette, plus you have poinsettias, holly berries, candy canes, Reindeer noses, etc. That said, is there any doubt? Mao may have frequently dressed in a suit of “Christmas tree” green but he was all about the Red: Red Army. Red Book. Red Guard.
ADVANTAGE: Mao
IDEOLOGY?
One of the two is famous for seizing goods produced by an enslaved, isolated population and redistributing them to people deemed to be worthy of receiving said goods based on an arbitrary set of lists that his minions check every year judging people on their ability to adhere to previously announced ideological guidelines. The other is Mao.
ADVANTAGE: Draw
ORGANIZATIONAL ABILITY?
Mao compelled a billion people to abandon their fields and spend the next two years making steel in the backyard. Santa has a handful of elves. Of course, the elves generally do NOT die of starvation as a result of their work so…
ADVANTAGE: Santa
GREATEST JOURNEY?
Santa visits every house in every country every year all in the span of about 48 hours (getting a little help from the international date line) and does so being pulled by a team of magic deer. Mao marched his troops 8000 miles in 370 days across incredibly difficult terrain while under fire most of the way. No word on how well the reindeer handle flak.
ADVANTAGE: Mao
CHOICE OF SIDEKICK?
Mao had a succession of sidekicks and heirs apparent, of course he let Liu Shaoqi linger in prison and Mao’s “Closest Comrade in Arms” Lin Biao died after a failed coup attempt against the Chairman. Santa has Rudolph, whose loyalty to his boss/master was tested only by the uncomfortably close bond Rudy formed with Herbie the Dentist Elf that time both were on the lam with Yukon Cornelius.
ADVANTAGE: Santa
GREATEST FEAR?
Santa: A rebellious elf. Mao: Deng Xiaoping.
ADVANTAGE: DRAW
LONGEVITY?
It’s been 115 years since the Chairman was born…of course for the last thirty years or so he’s been pickled under glass. The mythical roots of Santa Claus date back centuries though you could argue that our modern image is actually Mao’s junior having been based mostly on advertising images from Coca-Cola and other companies in the early 20th century. But then again Santa’s got the whole “as long as Children awake wide-eyed on Christmas morning, the spirit of the season lives forever” thing going, so…
ADVANTAGE: Santa
WINNER: Santa, but it was closer than I thought.
Happy Christmas!
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* I was going to do Mao versus Jesus, but I’m getting on a plane for a 20-hour flight over the Pacific Ocean next week. Best to play it safe.
** Jack Ramsay is a basketball coach and analyst famous for his side-by-side breakdowns of playoff series. Bill Simmons is a writer/humorist who has adapted Dr. Ramsay’s formula for things such as Cheers versus Seinfeld and Deniro/Pacino.
LOL
“Mao marched his troops 8000 miles in 370 days”
I’m more inclined to believe that reindeer fly.
“I’m getting on a plane for a 20-hour flight over the Pacific Ocean next week.”
20 hrs? Are you flying in a biplane?
Safe journey.