Live Tweeting the 2014 Spring Festival Gala: We watch so you don’t have to!
We try to be a full-service blog here at The Granite Studio and part of that service (at no charge to you!) is to sit and watch execrable television and then tell you about it later. (Don’t you just love the word ‘execrable’? It means exactly what it sounds like.)
So here we go, an entire evening of live tweets from the 2014 CCTV Spring Festival Gala. (Ps. You might need the VPN for it to load correctly.)
On evening news, Xi Jinping delivers New Years message dressed like Nanook of the North and surrounded by Mongolians. #cantmakethisshitup
— Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Xi New Year message unintentional reminder that not all “Chinese” celebrate Chinese New Year. — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Opening of Chunwan pokes fun at people poking fun at Chunwan. Self-referential humor? Must be the dumplings clouding my vision… — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
No Li Yong? Now how am I going to get my fix for undead vaguely Munster-ish Chinese TV hosts? — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Those playing the “Spot the Han Chinese dressed as minorities dancing and singing happily about unity” drinking game..bottoms up, Mofos! — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Maybe they’re getting the dancing minority stuff out of the way early so they can get to the good stuff #hopelikemildrewspringseternal — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Holy shit…this song almost doesn’t suck. I’m actually…wait for it…enjoying a Chunwan bit. #mustbethebaijiutalking #chunwanreggae — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Field guide to hosts: Zhang Guoli is dressed like a blackjack dealer at an off-strip casino. #chunwan — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Field Guide to Hosts: Bi Fujian is dressed like he’s the understudy in a Bryan Ferry video. #chunwan — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Rumor has it the producers cut the number of skits and comedy in favor of more music. If first skit any hint, this was probably a good plan. — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Humbly submit that popularity of online “Downton Abbey” episodes has reignited Chinese love of sarcastic and snarky matriarchs. #chunwan — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
I guess the #chunwan “no lip-syncing” pledge was about as serious as my “lose 10 pounds by Chunjie” promise… — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Sadly…that might be true. RT @aikunming: @aikunming: I have a video of @GraniteStudio singing this song… — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
From the producers of “Cats” it’s….”Horse.” I guess. What’s next?XIao Shenyang doing the nude scene from Equus?
— Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Holy hipster. I had NO IDEA Ben Folds was actually a Chinese dude. #chunwan — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Wait. I take that back. I am being told that the singer is NOT Ben Folds. My reply: “山寨 Ben Folds kind of sucks.” — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Who knew there was a peppy Chinese version of the Godfather’s classic “Birth. School. Work. Death.” refresher: http://t.co/tm69KfFgIT
— Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
I know lip syncing is a #Chunwan inevitability, but this is starting to make Miley Cyrus look like Ella-freaking-Fitzgerald.
— Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
We have the sound turned down on this skit. I’m guessing it’s either “good samaritan” or the Chinese version of “Harold and Maude.” — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
This skit is seriously missing a foreigner cursing out the old woman. #mychinesedream #chunwan — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
I love Chinese New Year. What other holiday allows you to hang up several huge F-U signs in your home to welcome relatives?
— Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
— Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Field Guide to Hosts: Zhu Jun, who during his off-time works as a fill-in wax replica at various museums and galleries.
— Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Well, that might be it: Father-in-law just gave up and switched it to…last year’s #chunwan.
— Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
We came in during Celine Dion performance. Hosts speaking English. Celine speaking Chinese. 2013 unintentional comedy > 2014 actual show.
— Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
I’m now watching a mash-up of “My Heart will Go On” from 2013 and “The local kids who huff hairspray” from 2014. #headhurts #chunwan — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Okay. One-finger headstands. That is cool. Who doesn’t love to watch people torture themselves for personal amusement. What? That’s weird? — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Who doesn’t love exploited young entertainers. Each of Jackie’s kung fu kids is just one entourage away from a Toronto assault warrant. — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Memo to Jackie: Ease up on the Botox. Pretty soon the hardest stunt he’ll have to pull off for a film will be “facial expressions.” — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Field Guide to Hosts: Dong Qing is the one with the weirdly huge head on the little bitty body…basically she’s shaped like a mushroom. — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Okay, it’s official: Koko the freaky bird puppet has a more expressive face than 2014 Jackie Chan. — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Most random audience ever and one of them just allowed himself to be turned into a ventriloquist dummy. #noseriouslyimwatchinthis — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
I’d make a CCTV/Chinese state media joke here but you’ve already done it. I know you have. #chunwan — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
We’re going Red-tro. Revolutionary songs and opera. I remember this bit from the documentary “Morning Sun.” — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Red Detachment can shoot an AK from tippy-toes. Take that Black Swan bitches! — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Somewhere right now Bo Xilai is in a cell watching TV and muttering “Motherfuckers are stealing my whole act…” #BoXilai2017 #BornkindaRed — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Chinese Dream is apparently all the minorities united militantly behind cute Han girls wearing Britney Spears’ old catholic school outfit. — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Love the shadow performance but still not sure which body part was used to make the Panda’s eyes… #chunwan — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
We’ve replaced Celine Dion with Sophie Marceau. Step up! Please don’t speak Chinese…Please don’t speak…Ok now it’s “awkward Laowai theater” — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
YJ: She’s not a very good singer. ME: At least she seems like she’s actually singing. #loweredexpectations — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
This is a random looking audience. It’s like they did a mass roundup of people hanging around the Dongzhimen bus terminal this afternoon. — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Toddlers dressed as horses and they are…twerking? Jerking? Having a seizure? What do we call this? — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Field Guide to hosts: Li Sisi is the one who never, ever seems to blink. It’s like staring into the eyes of well-coiffed goldfish. — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
I know it’s culturally insensitive but Peking Opera=what actual opera would sound like if singers were being jacked repeatedly in stomach — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
I have no doubt that my views on Peking Opera make me a cultural infidel. Well, I guess no more so than my love of Fast and Furious movies. — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Re: Peking Opera. It’s impressive and I’m sure it’s hard to do but so are colonoscopies and I have no desire to watch one of those either. — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Feng Gong is basically China’s answer to Jerry Lewis. — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
When Feng Gong is carrying your show that’s a problem. Feng Gong is ok but he’s not going to make anybody forget Zhao Benshan’s fastball — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
It’s the Taiwanese Howdy Doody meets the Korean Bieber. — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Apparently Bi Laoshi sleeps standing up which=an improvement over previous host Li Yong who sleeps hanging upside down in a cave. #chunwan — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Live from Xu Zhiyong’s jail cell! #chunwan (What? Too soon?) — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Lots of puppets, dummies & people pretending to be puppets or dummies. Glad CCTV letting us know what they really think about their talent. — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
That was wacky. They thought they were dancing but they were really on the floor the whole time. Reminds me of the last time I went to Vics. — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Two middle-aged men trying to charm twin 8-year-old girls and ply them with popcorn. #notcreepyatall — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
I’ve apparently touched a generational nerve. RT @jgriffiths: Dude don’t shit on Neville Longbottom, Neville Longbottom is a god damn hero. — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Whatever you do…Don’t eat the bread. You don’t know where he’s been hiding it for the duration of his act. — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
And we have a winner. Please step forward and claim your prize. RT @dingsanbai: For a second I thought he was pulling out the shadow penis. — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
@iheartbeijing #chunwan is a win if “Twerking horse-child” enters the 2014 cultural lexicon — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
In it to win it. Sticking with Chunwan to the bitter end. Next up: Butterfly contortionist porn. — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
If the Chunwan=marathon, this is the part where the audience is hoping to just cross the finish line without lavishly pooping themselves.
— Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
We interrupt this touching ode to a random senior citizen while I go outside with my family and blow shit up. #chunjie #allaboutsafety
— Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Did you know all four seas and five continents contain misguided people who are Chinese whether they know it or not? Now I do. #chunwan — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
A celebration of the nation-state. Anthemic music. Gorgeous images. Patriotic young women in red and yellow. Minorities off to one side… — Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
And with this ill-advised song and dance routine, I am heading for the bunker. Thanks @Miniharm @aikunming & @iheartbeijing for the snark.
— Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014
Okay…one last one. Is this Lang Lang bit a metaphor for how the West can’t keep up with China? #flightofbumblebee #chunwan
— Jeremiah Jenne (@GraniteStudio) January 30, 2014